Tees Maar Khan

Film: Tees Maar Khan

Cast: Akshay Kumar, Akshaye Khanna, Katrina Kaif

Direction: Fara Khan

Rating: 3.5/5

At the outset, it is important to note that Farah Khan's films do not cater to the patrons of thought-provoking, or even moderately sensible, cinema. They never have, and they never will. So if a storyless, mindless spoof on the cliches of Hindi cinema is up your alley, then so is Tees Maar Khan.

Tabrez Mirza Khan (Akshay Kumar) is a con artist internationally infamous for many a heist. At the behest of a tackily funny Siamese twin couple, the Johari brothers (played by Raghu and Rajiv), he decides to pull off a train loot in a village called Dhulia by posing as a filmmaker on the Great Indian Revolution. He poses as Manoj Day Ramalan, the fairer brother of the critically acclaimed Hollywood director, and ropes in the Oscar-hungry Atish Kapoor (Akshaye Khanna) to play the lead in this con work of a film shoot. The rest of the story is as bizarre as it can get, but funny nonetheless, in very typical Farah Khan fashion.

Critics have ripped this film apart, and so has a good section of the audience that tom-toms around about their inclination towards intellectual cinema. But then, Farah Khan makes no bones about the fact that she caters to the genre of spoofs - nothing brighter. Take it or leave it.

And she does just that - look out for the very witty, very corny digs at Harman Baweja, Anil Kapoor and the subtle reference to SRK's bony six pack story. Tees Maar Khan is what brings Akshay Kumar back to what he is best at - slapstick humour. Akshaye Khanna manages to make you laugh after all, with his urge to ham in everything he does before the camera. And Katrina, well, the Sheila song had long since conveyed what she was meant to do in the film.

And yes, those who scoff at the fact that the film is a mere spoof through its entire length, pray tell me what was Scary Movie, a Hollywood film that we all claim to be outstandingly hilarious, all about?

Kaalo - the parody begins!

Film: Kaalo

Cast: Aditya Srivastav, Paintal, Swini Khara

Direction: Wilson Louis

Rating: NOT APPLICABLE

Once upon a time there was RGV Ki Aag. And now there is Kaalo.

Kaalo is the story (if you may call it so) of a black, spittle-spewing witch - or maybe a crow (you prefer) who has been winging across Rajasthan's deserts since the time you bother to notice anything at all in the film. This Kaalo thing is apparently out to get a little girl Shona who is aboard a bus, and will kill anything and anyone that comes in her way. Kaalo does not know why. Neither does Shona. And neither does the story writer.

All we know is Shona is one among a bunch of very bad actors on a bus called 'Kismat' (yes, that cheesy) that gets a flat tyre in a desert. A certain Panditji on the bus (Paintal) smells imminent disaster and advises everyone not to get off the bus. Needless to say, each and everyone gets off, and then starts getting bumped off by blood-thirsty Kaalo. These buffoons include Aditya Lakhia whose only dialogue in the film is 'Maa ki Aankh', Aditya Srivastav who looks like there is a kohl mine hidden in his eyes, a photographer from Hollywood (ahem!) and one loony who always sees two of himself which he thinks is because he is under the effect of chillum - little does he know we are more jaded than he is and it is all because of this fillum.

Let's cut to the end of the story which occurs ninety painful minutes later. After Kaalo has flung every mortal present in the desert out of orbit, our hero Aditya Srivastav pulls out two chopstick-like objects from nowhere and sticks them into Kaalo's eyes. Kaalo freaks out, some fire erupts from within her gut, and she gets caved inside the earth. There, that simple.

The only thing spoken with conviction in this bizarre film is 'Maa ki Aankh'. Ultimately, we realize that's what the film was anyway all about - 'Maa Ki Aankh'.

No Problem? A pathetic irony

Film: No Problem

Cast: Anil Kapoor, Sanjay Dutt, Akshaye Khanna, Paresh Rawal, Kangna Ranaut, Sushmita Sen

Direction: Anees Bazmee

Rating: 1/5

What can you possibly say about a film that has a long-haired Shakti Kapoor playing the police commissioner of a South African city? What do you think of a police inspector who gets ticklish every few seconds because two bullets permanently lodged in his stomach keep flirting with his nerves? Or a sidekick who sends out electric pulses with the touch of his hand? What do you think of an overweight, shrewish wife who gets fits of a compulsive desire to bump off her husband thrice a day? Of all things, 'No Problem' is definitely not a plausible answer.

Yash and Raj Ambani (Sanjay Dutt and Akshaye Khanna) [a pathetic effort at taking a dig at the surname] are two hoodlums who rob a certain Zhandu Lal (Paresh Rawal), who apparently owns a village in South Africa where even native South Africans speak Hindi. For no explained reason, Zhandu Lal joins these thieves in Durban as they hitch a plan to return the former's money. Senior Inspector (if you please) Arjun (Anil Kapoor) is a bungling cop ala Tinkle's Shikari Shambhu who keeps getting beaten up by his wife Kajal (Sushmita Sen) when he is not busying himself chasing the Ambani brothers. Somewhere in the corner of the story, a smuggler Marcos (Suniel Shetty) accompanied by a very garishly dressed Neetu Chandra is trying his very best to look cool - an effort as successful as Ravindra Jadeja trying to hook Dale Steyn for a six. And yes, there 'eez' Kangna Ranaut in the film too - but never mind 'thet' - you are 'femished' by the time you begin to 'fethom' what role she plays in the film.

Every element of stupidity in a film can be tolerated. But making a mockery of the thousands of lives lost in the Middle East to terrorism through crass and unfunny one-liners is not only unacceptable but also highly disgraceful.

Has anyone shown the makers of Mission Impossible-4 a screening of this mockery of cinema? I will be keen to know what they think of their much raved about actor cozying up to someone who looks very evidently transsexual, replicating a cheap joke that was not even funny in the 90s.

Even toilet humour has a certain class. A film that has a gorilla shoving a fart up a man's face just does not qualify.

The Perfect Chord

Film: Band Baaja Baraat
Cast: Anushka Sharma, Ranveer Singh
Direction: Maneesh Sharma
Rating: 4/5

Finally, we are offered a love story sans pretentions and pink teddy bears.
Band Baaja Baraat is a crisp romantic comedy about a sprightly girl, Shruti Kakkar (Anushka Sharma) who teams up with a rustic wastrel called Bittoo Sharma (Ranveer Singh) to launch a business of wedding planning in the heart of North Delhi. A venture that begins on a strictly professional note takes a love-lorn turn midway; emotions are born, diffused and reborn; the business goes awry en route; and love triumphs over uncertainty - as it always does.
A good part of this story might sound familiar. The second half, in fact, is a convenient mash of Dil To Pagal Hai, Hum Tum, and believe it or not - I Hate Luv Storys too. But the beauty of the film lies purely in the totally awesome performances by the two leads, and in the attention paid to minute Delhi details such as - Chowmein udana, eating biskoots, and conducting bijjnis. The director has been careful to etch all the characters through the film with much love and detail, including the lesser-shown rock guitarist in the film who looks dismally at a Punjabi wedding scene and goes in typical fashion: "no dude, not my scene!"
Ranveer Singh is more than just commendable as a debutant who brings out the bumpkin in him perfectly. You might get the feeling he tries a tad too hard in a few scenes, but no one is complaining. Anushka Sharma steals the show though: her performance is nearly flawless, and is as perfect in masking her grief on knowing her love has no future as she is when she does the tango to the Bali Barsi number. Salim-Sulaiman deliver a reasonably foot-tapping soundtrack once again, and extra marks to the Tarkeebein track.
This film is worth a watch, despite the predictably overstretched last half of the story.

Rakhta Charitra - 2

Film: Rakht Charitra - 2

Cast: Surya, Viveik Oberoi, Shatrughan Sinha

Direction: Ram Gopal Varma

Rating: 3/5

The second part of this film takes off with a thrilling sequence of a failed assassination attempt by Surya (Surya) on Pratap Ravi (Viveik Oberoi) as the latter's fleet of cars winds its way through the interiors of Andhra Pradesh. Investigations by DCP Mohan Prasad (Sudeep) reveal that Surya's family had fallen prey to a bomb blast triggered by Pratap's men in keeping with their boss' orders to eliminate his suspected enemies. A raging fire burns within Surya to get rid of Pratap, but he is forced to surrender himself to the police under pressure from DCP Mohan Prasad. This changes little of his intention, as he continues to pursue his blood-thirsty agenda from inside the prison with the support of a few sympathisers and his wife Bhawani, who in the meantime decides to contest the upcoming elections against Pratap Ravi. While a political plan to oust Pratap from his position develops, Surya embarks on a plan of his own, and is ready to go all out in the quest.

There is nothing wrong with the story. It's nearly as gripping as its prequel, and can boast of a very strong, emotive performance by Surya. However, I cannot help but ask RGV a few basic questions:

1) Isn't a 'slow motion' supposed to be a special effect, reserved for special scenes or moments? When did it become a silly tactic to increase the length of a movie?

2) Ever heard of such a thing as a precis or a recap? It means putting in a nutshell an entire story. You did not need to put us through thirty minutes of Rakht Charitra, complete with dialogues and emotions we had already witnessed.

3) Next time, please use a voiceover that doesn't sound like it is gagged or something.

4) Next time, please ask your cameraman not to sit on a ferris wheel while filming your scenes. We know your camerawork is usually special, but we do not need the '360 degree revolution'. It only causes a headache.

This Game Falls Flat!

Film: Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Sey

Cast: Abhishek Bachchan, Deepika Padukone, Sikandar Kher, Vishakha Singh, and a bunch of very bad English actors

Direction: Ashutosh Gowariker

Rating: 3/5

Bad news. The length of this movie title is hardly an indication of how excruciatingly long this movie actually is. Admittedly a well-researched subject of the little known Chittagong uprising in East India during the early 1930s, Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Sey translates into a film that begins on a fine note but simply cannot figure out where it must culminate.

A group of spirited revolutionaries led by Surjya Sen (Abhishek Bachchan), which comprises largely of young teenagers, come together to rise in rebellion against the atrocious ways of the British empire. They hatch a plan to attack various strategic posts of the regiment over one particular night in order to make a much needed statement of their desire for freedom. Unfortunately, their plan is foiled and over the months that follow, the gang is hunted down, and faces a climax that is not hard to predict.

The film has several high points, but one that stands out evidently is the revelation of Vishakha Singh as Comrade Pritilata, who plays her part as a dedicated revolutionary with much ease and restraint. Deepika Padukone is nearly as noteworthy in her portrayal of Kolpana Dutta, but she almost loses presence in the second half of the film. One of the biggest strengths of the film is its ample research and analysis on how a poorly executed strategy can crumble in the face of unprecedented crisis. Undoubtedly, the story of this uprising deserves leaf-space in books on guerilla strategy.

A pity, though, that Abhishek Bachchan still can't get rid of the frown he learnt to sport in Sarkar. You need to watch him to believe it - but he maintains one, just one, expression through the length of this epic film - a light frown and a twitch of the lips. Needless to say, it gets endlessly annoying. Despite playing second fiddle, Sikandar Kher at least brings some life into his character of Nirmol Sen, Surjya's trusted aide.

The performances by the children are strictly sub-ordinary. There are scenes where every gesture looks clearly rehearsed and yet uncomfortable - such as the classroom discussions early on, the manner in which the young boys approach Surjya Sen, and so on. The screenplay is amateurish, where you have mechanical occurrences that lead up to the ultimate formation of the group of rebels. But the most painful part of the film is that it labours over very repetitive sequences of cross-firing and British officers hamming away to glory in the cantonment through very poorly delivered expressions. Towards the end of the film, even the actors look terribly bored. (Abhishek Bachchan looks bored right from the outset).

It will be unfair to benchmark Gowariker's films against a classic like Lagaan. But hereon, he might want to consider benchmarking them against a Swades, for starters.

Phas Gaye Re Obama

Film: Phas Gaye Re Obama

Cast: Rajat Kapoor, Sanjay Mishra, Manu Rishi, Neha Dhupia, Amol Gupte

Direction: Subhash Kapoor

Rating: 3.5/5

Wow! After Do Dooni Chaar, yet another small budget film packs a large punch. Phas Gaye Re Obama is a beautifully crafted comedy that dwells on the otherwise grave subject of economic recession.

Om Shastri (Rajat Kapoor) is a downturn-struck businessman who visits India to arrange for some money in order that he can prevent his house back in the States from being usurped by the bank. As fate would have it, he gets kidnapped instead by a bunch of insignificant hoodlums who are equally affected by the global turmoil and are beginning to fear a loss of respect amidst the underworld community. A chain of comical circumstances arises when the gang realizes the man they kidnapped in search for some quick money, was in fact on the verge of bankruptcy himself. A hilarious drama ensues as various gangs try to con each other over the apparently prized possession in the form of a broke bloke.

Cheeky dialogue and rather admirable performances come together to offer you a film that doesn't need to try too hard to tickle the funny bone. If it weren't for the lack of conviction that still rings loud and clear in Neha Dhupia's performances, this film was meant to score a perfect five.

Break Bar-baad!

Film: Break Ke Baad

Cast: Imran Khan, Deepika Padukone, Shahnaz Goswami

Director: Danish Aslam

Rating: 0.5/5

'Break Ke Baad' is a painful doctrine on the oft hackneyed subjects of unrequited love and fickle relationship values. You've discussed them at length on your high school stairwells, during your vanilla popsicle and candyfloss days or romance. This film brings back the cliches - unfortunately with a lot of excess baggage in a terrible set of actors, shoddy screenplay and a lack of sub-plots - no wait, a lack of a plot.

Abhay Gulati (Imran), addressed as Gelato in a very Tulu accent by his girlfriend of ten years - Aaliya Khan (Deepika) is apparently a perfectly sorted guy who whines for Aaliya's attention - who loves him as much, but she needs her 'space', and hence flies off to Gold Coast to study some course which she is finally never shown studying. An insecure Abhay follows her all the way to the beaches, where life is clearly all about getting drunk, indulging in beach shack soirees, and liberally using the phrase 'screw you' like immature teenagers.

If this ain't lousy enough, Aaliya Khan gets some sort of brainwave amidst this entire madness, breaks up with a distraught but relentless Abhay, and then lands up a role in an international film from nowhere. Hereon, the already muffled script dies an untimely death with every alternate character preaching respect for relationships and other such trite, which are fought off unabashedly by Aaliya, until she realizes (guess what!) that she still loves Abhay. Play the bugle now, somebody!

Imran Khan suffers from the Benjamin Button syndrome in his performances. He started off well in his debut, and has now completely forgotten whatever little he learnt. Deepika Padukone's dialogue has been annoying enough earlier, but excuse me - the audience is mature enough to know when cuss words like ullu ki pathhi actually sound funny, and when they are shoved in mindlessly. And then, whatever was the director thinking when he left open ends on characters like Ayesha Khan (Sharmila Tagore) and why she was disillusioned by Aaliya's career objectives? If you think Vishal-Shekhar's music might make up for the arid film, think again. They are good, but they can't exactly weave magic. Lillette Dubey is precisely what she is in every film - a pompous, lascivious, over-aged woman who doesn't mind making personal snides on a woman's private parts. And why a notably talented girl like Shahnaz Goswami is made to totter around meaninglessly in the film dressed like an extra large Pina Colada is anyone's guess.

The only high point in the film is that the interval comes to your rescue in well under fifty minutes. While you are there, stack up your popcorn, let out a little burp, wipe your face, and go home.

Guzaarish - film review

Film: Guzaarish
Cast: Hrithik Roshan, Aishwarya Rai Bachchan, Shernaz Patel
Direction: Sanjay Leela Bhansali
Rating: 2.5/5


The first thing that catches your eye as the film unfolds is blue walls all around. Big, blue walls with cryptic motifs and non-descript paintings or such. But take a closer look, and you can see beyond. You will see green colours too. Green meadows, blue walls, and multi-coloures gowns that clearly belong to eighteenth century Portugal. And a remarkable performance by the lead protagonist that loses its sheen because of these unnecessary projections.
Ethan Mascarenhas (Hrithik Roshan) is an ace magician of yore, now rendered paralyzed by an accident during a stage show that took place fourteen years ago. He fights valiantly through the downward journey of fame and pomp to the confines of a dark (and blue!) room and the unconditional support of his caretaker Sophia (Aishwarya Rai), a hyper student called Siddiqui with a nest on his head that makes him look like a tree (Arjun Roy Kapoor, hereby referred to as The Tree) and a handful of close friends. Ethan's grit gets him to chug along for years even as he progresses as an adorable radio jock and an established author. But the physical helplessness gets the better of him when he finally asks his lawyer-cum-confidante Devyani (Shernaz Patel) to help him make a legal plea for mercy killing. The story then labours over the emotional and the physical turmoil he endures as he endlessly waits for someone to end his constant suffering.
The good news is that this is a very fine documentary on euthanasia, the moral debates that surround it, and the psyche of people who plead for it. The bad news is that it is just that - a documentary. Add to that characters like The Tree who can't get enough of their I-just-had-a-Red-Bull-hence-I-can-ham jigs, and unexplained, semi-sketched characters like that of Ethan's arch rival, and you see a mess of a story that should have touched your heart.
On the other hand, if you are a Hrithik Roshan fan for reasons other than his chiseled body, this film is worth looking out for. Save for the occasional over-the-top theatrical expression which every Bhansali character ends up exuding, Hrithik Roshan is absolutely brilliant in portraying his angst through his moist green eyes and his cynical laughter. Watch out for the scene where he sings out after his deceased mother, and you know what a superstar is made of. Aishwarya Rai has nothing much to offer in the film, but yes, she could tone down her lipstick. Yes, thank you very much. And The Tree needs to get a hold on himself and his hamming facilities. I thought he'd have learnt his lesson after a certain debacle called Action Replayy.
Sanjay Leela Bhansali has shown quality that flits between superb metaphors such as the raindrops lashing out at a helpless, vanquished man's face and repetitive, cliched magic tricks picked from K-Lal's secret diaries. For God's sake, though, enough with the blue walls and the thermocol houses with duck ponds. Unless the story is set in, what, Timbuktoo. Thank you.

Knocked out of sanity

Film: Knock Out (Hindi)

Cast: Sanjay Dutt, Irrfan, Kangna Ranaut, Gulshan Grover

Direction: Mani Shankar

Rating: 1/5

It took me a while to muster the courage to watch this film, because some silly sparrow had told me Kangna Ranaut plays a cop in the film. Yesterday I heard a less agonizing piece of news - she plays a TV reporter, and so I watched it finally.

She could have played a cop for all you'd care - it would not matter. Knock Out defies all logic and sense anyway. It's a lousy, unidirectional story adapted from an equally lousy film called Phone Booth. Some nameless guy, played by Sanjay Dutt, is on an apparently serious mission of taking Bachhu Patel (Irrfan) hostage in a phone booth as he takes refuge himself in one of the buildings in the complex (All office-goers at the Magarpatta IT Park, Pune - I truly sympathize with y'all). The film shifts clumsily from one sequence to the other, where a gun-toting and cigarette-smoking shooter bugs the living hell out of Bachhu Patel, and in an attempt to salvage his mission, shoots Bachhu's stalker dead. The entire police force reaches the spot and somehow decides that Bachhu must be the killer - duh! The guy was shot in the back. Bachhu stood in the front. But what the hell! It gets crazier. The police force stands there and simply watches the proceedings instead of taking Bachhu into custody. Why? Because the killer can be dangerous! Double duh! In the meantime, Kangna makes the scene as an irritating TV journalist who always "wants the first bites". She calls herself Needy She-bath-tub (I presume that's supposed to be Nidhi Shrivastava) in an utterly nasal accent that is the only (literally) high point in the film. So Needy She-Bath-Tub and the equally clueless police officers can't for the life of them figure out where this shooter is put up, and Needy She-Bath-Tub keeps getting this inane urge to interview Bachhu Patel even as he struggles to escape the phone booth and the shooter's impeccable aim. After two hours of ordeal, the shooter finally reveals that he is nothing but the true voice of India (Mr. India, anyone?) who wants Bachhu to be a nice little bachhu and stop helping pig-headed ministers like Babuji (Gulshan Grover) pilfer money that's duly every Indian citizen's. Finally, after this high-voltage drama, Bachhu Patel undergoes a tranquil transformation and becomes a national hero, inviting exaggerated gratitude from a squeaking Needy She-Bath-Tub and the rest of the country.

I'm not sure what the director was up to. But I seriously recommend he watches a certain disaster called Dus. It might help him understand that style cannot ever substitute substance. And no, getting your victim to do a sultry dance in the midst of a supposedly tense situation hardly qualifies as cool, as does not an overweight Sanjay Dutt swinging over cable wires like a retired Superman.

Do Dooni Score!

Film: Do Dooni Chaar (Hindi)

Cast: Rishi Kapoor, Neetu Kapoor, Akhilendra Mishra

Director: Habib Faizal

Rating: 4/5

Before its release, this film was being promoted on the back of the Kapoor couple re-uniting after a hiatus of 30 years. Once you watch the film, you want to ask them - why the hiatus in the first place? More importantly, this film is a rockstar even sans the promotions.

Director Habib Faizal portrays a very real, believable picture of a middle class family that aspires to own a car despite its purse strings pulled tight. Santosh Duggal (Rishi Kapoor) is a 51-year old school teacher who shunts and slogs across the school classroom and a tuition centre in order to earn every extra buck that he can for his kids to earn quality education, even if that must mean working under an antique lamp through the night on his study table. Kusum Duggal (Neetu Kapoor) is the nonchalant home-maker who makes near peace with the family's finances, along with a dollop of love for her husband and tons of jam sandwiches for the children - a rebellious daughter Payal (Aditi Vasudev) who is as embarrassed about disclosing the contents of her middle-class wallet in her college as about taking a ride on her father's run down scooter; and Sandy (Archit Krishna) who ensures his KFC soirees and gelled hair are always in order despite their limited means.

There is not an element of the film which you will point out as unnecessary. It is beautifully woven, with specific attention to details in an examination hall, in the personal snides made by pesky neighbours, and in the materialistic shallowness of distant relatives. The kids, thankfully, act out their part with much maturity, sparing us the mindless hamming (remember the Bhootnath kid?) and giving us a very convincing set of siblings who are well-webbed into the family's culture, yet yearning to break free. Rishi Kapoor comes up with arguably his best performance, snippets of which you see in the dilemma he faces between a teacher's noble scruples and the profane lure of bad money. Also, the emotional connect between the father and daughter over the realization of his self-pride is subtle yet endearing. But the real surprise in the entire deal is Neetu Kapoor, who makes you sore about the fact that she went missing for so many years. Her effortlessness in her role is totally awesome. She is, in fact, so classy that in a couple of instances through the length of the film she fails to hide her elegance under the garb of a middle-class, cardigan-clad housewife.

Do Dooni Chaar is a perfect score - a rare film that must get its due credit by all means. We desperately need masterful storytellers who can give out a sensitive message, without asking us to carry our dispenser of tissues along to the hall.

The Town: A Classical Thriller

Film: The Town (English)

Cast: Ben Affleck, Rebecca Hall, Jeremy Renner, Jon Hamm

Director: Ben Affleck

Rating: 3.5/5

Good news - Ben Affleck makes for a fine director.

Bad news - He still cannot act.

The Town is a well-paced, enthralling story of a bunch of four loonies including Doug (Ben Affleck) and Jem (Jeremy Renner), who have no qualms making big money off a series of violent bank robberies in Charlestown. Did I say, well-paced? That depends very much on how you classify good pace. It's not as scintillatingly beautiful as The Departed, but it ain't slow or stupid like Badmaash Company either (sorry for that lame comparison).

The going is good for the gang, until Doug (sort of predictably) falls for a bank manager Claire (Rebecca Hall) whom they had taken hostage during one of their heists. He tries, not once but often, to weasel out of the maze of crimes he has landed himself in so that he can look forward to a regular civil life. But his wizened old boss Fergie - a florist cum local goon - will hear none of it and threatens him with dire consequences if he ever considered quitting this one-way street. The gang is followed closely by FBI Agent Frawley (Jon Hamm), until the plot congregates into a fine thriller of a climax.

The character sketches in the film are vivid, but never over the top. You don' t see those quirky, crooked grins but you sense their evil. You feel for Doug when he is stranded in the grey patch between moral redemption and his obligations to an old friend. There are, some weak links too - such as Claire's character - her pressing need to reveal sensitive FBI information to a stranger she has just run into at a laundromat. But in the larger scheme of a brilliant narrative, you can forgive the lapses.

You can also forgive Ben Affleck for casting himself in the lead. I'd personally prefer he sits out in the director's chair henceforth, though. The winner of the movie is, undoubtedly Jeremy Renner who effortlessly portrays the conniving, cold-blooded gangster with much elan.

The Town keeps you at the edge of your seat, although it may not qualify in the top ten thrillers you may have come across.

When did Crooks get so drab?

Film: Crook

Cast: Emraan Hashmi, Neha Sharma, Kavin Dave, Arjan Bajwa

Director: Mohit Suri

Rating: 2/5

I have never witnessed such rapidly varying opinions through the course of watching a movie. Crook is a crooked, sinusoidal ride that begins with a story that seems to be heading nowhere, then it gives you that fleeting glimmer of hope mid-way that we have a thought-evoking story on our hands. And then, it crashes into a pile of debris in a terrible anti-climax.

Truth be told, Crook could have potentially been a riveting film about a crook's indifference towards a fad of racism as long as it does not affect him. Jai Dixit (Emraan Hashmi) moves to Melbourne under the alias of Suraj Bhardwaj, and works as a part-time taxi driver when he is not lusting after Suhani (Neha Sharma), an Australian citizen who lives in Melbourne with her brother Samarth (Arjan Bajwa) - who unfortunately reminds you of Arbaaz Khan's intolerable act in Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya. The pity is, you can't figure out Jai's agenda: does he pursue Suhani for love, or is she merely the ticket to his PR in Australia?

The story then moves on to highlight the racism faced by Indians in Australia, and sadly that's where everything goes wrong. When you make a film on a topic as sensitive, the least we expect from you is that you do your homework right. Racism in Australia is an international issue that took seed ages ago. It had begun with the clashes between the native aborigines and European migrants, and had also resurfaced a few years back with the Cronulla riots between Aussies and Middle Eastern migrants. And then in 2009, a similar trend emerged which victimized Indians. In each of these spates of violence, people of various ethnicities were involved, and the reasons were more myriad and complicated than the amplified family feud that was shown as the reason in this shoddily done movie.

There is nothing to take away from the story, so let me not even get there. But you might just get the feeling that Emraan Hashmi is finally beginning to come of age. He is not great, but unless you are a cynic, you can't hate him either. Arjan Bajwa fits perfectly into his character - he plays the character of a psycho. And he looks like one too. Neha Sharma has a gorgeous face, and she is not a bad actor either. But such films can't do her any good. Kavin Dave should stick to his Sprite commercials in which he is absolutely fantastic. That wicked 'I am your nemesis, mate' look with a spade in his hand is just not his thing.

On a positive note, Pritam's music is outstanding. I don't care if he picks it up from somewhere - you can't rid yourself of the addiction to his songs. But then, just buy the music CD, you don't need to go watch the entire film. As for Australia, well, just download some beautiful pictures from the Web.

That kiss maketh a mess

Film: Robot

Language: I don't know

Cast: Rajnikant, Aishwarya Rai,

Direction: Shankar

Rating: You don't rate Rajni movies. Mind it!

Aiyyo! When a film's credits begin rolling with the mention of 'Superstar Rajni' and the name of the film is only mentioned later as an afterthought, you ought to know that the film does not warrant a review. But then, I have been dying to write something about it since the time I began watching the movie in the cinema hall on Friday night. The movie has just ended, so here I am.

It all began with a kiss that a lovely doe-eyed girl planted on Chitti's (Rajni the robot's) cheek. At first, when Chitti was a mere machine sans human emotions, he disliked the kiss because it wetted his cheek. But then Vasikaran (Rajni the superstar scientist & Chitti's creator) planted some programmable feelings in Chitti's metallic heart for some reason I can't remember. And then the doe-eyed girl kissed Chitti again, which drove Chitti bananas. (I won't blame him for that). An insecure Rajni the scientist dismantled Rajni the robot and threw his remainder in a dumpyard.

For all practical purposes, the story ended there. But then a sizable part of India's population resented in front of the director's house, demanding more of Rajni. So Rajni the robot resurfaced from the dumpyard and declared war on Rajni the scientist and every other object that existed in Chennai, Tamil Nadu and other Indian states that Chitti's arms could reach out to. Then, voila! A hundred more Rajnis came into being thanks to Chitti's need to set up an army that comprised of, well, a number of himselves. In the last hour, you have hundred thousand Rajnis with artistically gelled hair wigs manifesting themselves into various kinds of machines. And then Rajni the..oh, wait. That doe-eyed girl, by the way, is Aishwarya Rai. She is a doctor and lives in a house called Happy Home (I thought only houses in Punjab can have such names).

Ok, so then Rajni the robot will have Aishwarya Rai at any cost. But Rajni the scientist is smart (of course, da!) and he overpowers Chitti (you call that Chitti ko Chitt kar dena). Ultimately, love triumphs over an erroneous program code.

If you are a Rajni fan, you've got a bonanza out there. If you are not, stay away from Robots. They can give you an electric shock, right like the one the lyrics 'Mohen Jodaro, Mujhe Dil Mein Utaaro' may have given Javed Akhtar Sa'ab.

One Hell of a Drive!

Film: Anjaana Anjaani (Hindi)

Cast: Ranbir Kapoor, Priyanka Chopra

Direction: Siddharth Anand

Rating: 3/5

Two strangers, vanquished at the hands of fate, decide to commit suicide together. And when all their bids to kill themselves fail, they decide to wait for 20 days before they can take the plunge without any further jinx. This is where the uniqueness of the story begins. And also where it ends, unfortunately. Here on, Anjaana Anjaani is just another love story.

But we are not complaining. Love stories can tend to be trite, and this is no exception. Although the film begins in a painfully slow fashion with a documentary on 101 Suicide Tips, you know you can make do with Priyanka's snorty giggles, a lovely background score by Salim-Sulaiman, and Ranbir's oh-shuch-a-cute-lishp. Gradually, the interest begins to pique - and you are offered some stellar moments such as Ranbir's gay act with a kinky cowboy, Priyanka's confrontation with her philandering fiance, and Zayed Khan's bike. (No, not Zayed Khan. Only his bike.)

However, just as you begin ignoring the mediocrity of the story and turn your focus to the infectious music, snazzy screenplay and breathtaking cinematography, three words, "Sabse luckiest person", pop out of nowhere - like an unexpected phantom. And you are left reeling once again. One can forgo pondering over banal dialogues like "Zindagi humein marne ke kayi wajah deti hai, lekin jeene ke liye ek wajah kaafi hoti hai". But sabse luckiest person, really?

When you are watching a film with the current industry favourites in the lead roles, a fabulous set of songs composed by Vishal & Shekhar (once again), and a screenplay by one of the finest contemporary writers in India (Advaita Kala), you'd surely expect some efficiency in the department of dialogues too, which just does not happen. Add to that some regular cliches like finding your own wish-bottle ten days later in the Atlantic Ocean, or the girl's BFF pointing out her true love which the girl is herself blinded to, and you are left gasping more than once.

Yet, Anjaana Anjaani works in large parts. Because it deals with snippets of very believable frustration, melancholy and euphoria that we have all experienced in our lives. More importantly, the characters play out their parts with conviction. In effect, Siddharth Anand bakes a nice cake - just a little burnt at the corners.

PS: How do all doctors, coast guards and policemen in NRI Hindi films happen to be Indian?

Carry your digestive pills along!

Movie: Khichdi (Hindi)
Cast: Anang Desai, Supriya Pathak, Rajiv Mehta, and 1000 Sardars
Direction: Aatish Kapadia
Rating: 3/5


Carry your digestive pills along. This Khichdi is sticky, but yes, you do stick to it till the very end - despite the sheer defiance of logic and common sense. Then again, most things that make sense around us these days hardly amuse us. So Khichdi is safe respite. Yes, this is a brainless film where God can knock on your door to offer you Akal Ke Laddoo, the clock can strike 31, and there can be 65 inhabitants in a house - all bearing a common name. But it is adorable nonetheless, for it tickles your funny bone without any effort to make a statement about its class.
The tweet-long plot is too simplistic to be described: A compulsively noble dork, Himanshu, dreams of getting married in grandiose Bollywood fashion - where the boy meets the girl, a conflict arises that separates two pining lovers, and where love ultimately prevails. After a few hilarious goof-ups elsewhere, he does get hooked with one of the 65 'Parminder' girls in his neighbourhood. But in order to bring about the conflict in the love story, his bird-brained family members launch a campaign to prove to the girl's 'Parminderized' family that he is actually a good-for-nothing creep. After a series of funny incidents (I include one in which Farah Khan is seen running on the road like a retired athlete), love ultimately prevails - exactly as Himanshi had scripted the story in his mind - and you leave the hall with a grin that is caused mainly by the sheer stupidity the film offers -albeit in a welcome way.
Among the performances, all the actors did their goofy bit, but the game is single-handedly dominated by Supriya Pathak (Hansa), who plays Himanshu's ultra-dumb sister with a command over the English language reminiscent of her brief yet lovable role in Wake Up Sid - only this time, her "What is?", and "Who are?" clunkers are too good to resist.
Of course, there are some crass moments which are hard to tolerate - for example, a mourning ceremony where the bhajan singers pick a couple of item number themes to sing in remembrance of the departed soul. Humour, like everything else, is beautiful when in limits. It must be prescribed with caution.
But overall, Khichdi is totally watchable, especially if you have had a tough week and can handle the funny that doesn't classify itself in any genre. Toh Bhosale Market Chal. Bas dil pe mat lena yaar!