Agent, V NO Decode This Randomness!

Film: Agent Vinod
Cast: Saif Ali Khan, Kareena Kapoor and a badass camel
Direction: Sriram Raghavan
Rating: 1/5

Bang! Boom! Sandstorm. Camels. Unrealistic fight sequences with an army of Afghan soldiers. More camels. Cheesy dialogue exchange in the middle of a tense, life-threatening scenario. Camels galore. One cool, glib spy outclasses every bad guy within a hundred-mile radius of him. Cut to Russia. Repeat sequence.
If you have held on to your nerves until this point, you are set for a few good laughs (obviously unintentional) through the length of this supposed action thriller. It all begins with a Bihari officer (Ravi Kishen) trying to go undercover as a Russian bodyguard...anyway.
Agent Vinod (Saif Ali Khan), a RAW officer, is country-hopping to bust an apparent global nuclear conspiracy. Needless to say, he is so cool that he saunters across high-security hotel lobbies without letting the conspirators sitting right in front of him get a whiff of the shenanigans he is up to. Also, he is so awesome that he can bump off rifle-toting gangsters with hairpins while playing poker in a pub. En route this painfully long journey, he meets Iram (Kareena Kapoor), a bomber-cum-Pakistani intelligence officer-cum-wannabe doctor (it doesn't matter till the very end what she really was). Iram, despite being completely uncertain of Vinod's motives, and despite certainly being aware that he is a RAW agent, is nice enough to take him sight-seeing in Morocco. When they are done with all the frivolity, she tells him she is "on his side" and is looking for exactly the same thing as he is - the detonator to a nuclear bomb. Half-a-dozen exotic locales and scores of unexplained killings later, we see that the nuclear bomb, in fact, is something that looks like a classical Punjabi hand pump that needs a password to be disarmed. Never mind that. If you are optimistic enough, there is still a ray of desperate hope that the director will do a Johnny Gaddaar and give you a delectable twist on the motive and the masterminds of the entire conspiracy. Sadly, the unraveling is the most contrived and over-exploited plot point you'd have seen in recent times.
To add to your misery, you have those moments of coolness which don't make sense at all - Mr. Agent asking for a chilled beer as his death wish, Mr. Agent landing on a nuptial bed with Ms. Agent during a chase sequence and asking her to marry him, and corny one liners like kuch paane ke liye kuch khaana padta hai. A pity, this. If only half the wit used in the dialogue department were used to craft a logical story, we'd have had a thing or two to look forward to.

Agneepath - Great roast, could've been crispier

Film: Agneepath
Cast: Hrithik Roshan, Sanjay Dutt, Rishi Kapoor, Priyanka Chopra, Zarina Wahab
Direction: Karan Malhotra
Value: 3.5/5

Firstly, if the question 'But is he even a patch on Amitabh Bachchan?' is playing on your mind, you probably want to leave this page. Such comparisons are unfair and silly. For everyone else, Agneepath is a smooth, intelligent revival of its 1990 version with minor modifications such as the regrettable absence of the Krishnan Iyer character.
Vijay Chauhan (Hrithik Roshan), who plays Zarina Wahab's estranged son, has been plotting to get even with his father's killer Kancha Cheena (Sanjay Dutt) for the last fifteen years. And he hatches a smart plan to do so, using Mumbai's dreaded slumlord and flesh-trader Rauf Lala (Rishi Kapoor) as a pawn. In the midst of the entire mire of the drug world he gets into, Vijay finds solace in his childhood companion Kaali (Priyanka Chopra) and an unsolicited-advice-doling godfather in ACP Gaitonde.
In what would otherwise have been a trite revenge saga, what stands out is probably the best performance I've ever seen Rishi Kapoor deliver. Despite the fact that he can't help looking like a cute teddy bear, he manages to make you hate him alright, and with flair. Sanjay Dutt sans the Desi Shrek look is what you have most certainly seen before of him, and he might have shone as much as his pate in the film if it weren't for a far superior act by Rishi Kapoor. And of course, Hrithik Roshan essays the "nice bad guy" role effortlessly and brilliantly too.
Of course, there are some things I am still seeking an honest explanation for. How does a brown-eyed twelve year-old turn into a green-eyed twenty-seven year old? If there is a science behind the phenomenon, I now know why I never understood biology as a subject. Also, Deven Bhojani is completely wasted as the mute child of Rauf Lala, for think about it - you didn't really need that character, did you? Or maybe you did, if you at least showed an angle of Vijay's brotherly love towards the younger Lala and his resulting angst while plotting against Lala Senior. Sadly, the Bhojani angle vanished without a trace, leaving one wondering about its purpose in the first place.
Beyond the minor goof-ups, the film also has a painfully slow climax, giving you the kind of feeling that you are stuck in an upward-bound elevator that stops at every floor. Don't even begin to analyze where Vijay Chauhan gets his energy to heave up a beach-ball sized Sanjay Dutt up the banyan tree when he has been stabbed repeatedly with a butcher's knife. Total Mahindra Bolero type of toughness, what.
But here's the final word: Agneepath is a fast-paced action flick with an entertainment quotient that should hopefully set the mood right for cinema in 2012. And if you don't concur, I have only two words for you: Chikni Chameli.

J. Edgar - A deft sketch

Film: J. Edgar
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Armie Hammer, Judy Dench, Naomi Watts
Direction: Clint Eastwood
Value: 4/5

Just how much creative flexibility can a writer or a filmmaker exercise while attempting a biopic? (Without getting incredibly boring, like say, Milk?) Limited, if any. But an apt pace and reasonably comprehensible screenplay can still manage to rivet your attention. Just like Clint Eastwood does with J. Edgar.
The story of FBI's founder, J. Edgar Hoover, talks of his maverick ways with the institution and in his dealings with crime during The Great Depression and beyond, with flair. The story flits smoothly between an aged FBI chief narrating "his version" of the story of FBI's coming into its own, and the past journey of a lonely, asocial officer into a chief determined to safeguard the very existence of an institution.
Beautiful. Also, it is very exciting to know that Leonardo DiCaprio has after long essayed a character that does not lose his mental balance right through the end of the film. That is impressive indeed. I call that a "daringly different role". Also, the homosexual tension between Edgar (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Clyde (Armie Hammer) has been depicted subtly (thank God) without unnecessary Bhandarkarizations and jelly jokes. But the scenes that really take your heart away are the ones between Edgar and his mother (Judy Dench). A simple, oft repeated phrase, "Yes, mother" speaks enough about the equation between a disciplinarian mother and an obedient son. Add to that a charming sequence where a mother who fears her son's wavering sexual tendencies teaches him how to dance with women.
The major question is: What was Naomi Watts doing in the film? I mean, yes, there might have been a Helen Gandy, but Naomi Watts? To open doors and make phone calls to usher a doctor in? There is an obvious misfit there. Also, who was the old Clyde's make-up artist please? I almost thought you were making fun of the film with that makeover.

4084: You don't want to interpret this code

Film: 4084
Director: Hriday Shetty
Cast: Naseeruddin Shah, Kay Kay Menon, Ravi Kissen, Atul Kulkarni
Rating: Try this --> (4) + (0) - (8) + (4). Yes, that.

Nice popcorn. Alright, so we have four half-heartedly sketched characters (I need not get into their names) who plan a heist. Yawn. Film ends.
The above line, by the way, is the beginning AND the end of the story. Little lies in the middle of this terribly contrived plot, except some immature screenplay, uninspiring background sounds to support what the director likes to call humour, cheesy dialogue like "Woh Sukhdev nahi, Kamdev tha", and a complete waste of talent like Naseeruddin Shah and Kay Kay Menon.
Ravi Kissen, on the other hand, doesn't even qualify as talent. He looks as confused in the film as Ishant Sharma does when he has to play night watchman.
Very, very upset. Don't consider this a review. I don't want to review this ... er ... film. Erase. This never happened.