Of flashy cars and tasteless jokes

This is bad. You walk in to the film expecting certain class, style and a script. Actually no, haha, this is Abbas-Mastan, the Surf Excel duo who made Akshay Kumar go "Do you think I am a male prostitute?" in Aitraaz. Hahahaha, class is ruled out. Style could well be ruled out too, basis those tasteless fruity jokes in the first edition of the Race franchise. But a script? How difficult was it to be "loosely inspired" by Dachimawa Lee or something (who knows, maybe it is) and then label it as new age cinema with "a script that demanded skin show"? But, no. The Surf Excel men decided to make Race-2, which has nothing to do with any race, by the way - except an unnecessarily thrown in race course scene which makes no sense. So here's what Race 2 is all about (I think):
Street fighter turned casino kingpin Armaan Malik (John Abraham) owns some crazy number of casinos where he gambles all day long. His half-sister Elena (Deepika Padukone) plays naughty by putting on some damn rare glasses that help change the cards her brother is dealing, or something like that. Not important. Somewhere in the lobby, thief-cum-random-fencing-player Omisha (Jacqueline Fernandez) is picking people's pockets (again not relevant). In comes mean boy Ranveer (Saif) whose profession we know nothing about because he drives Lamborghinis and dons Gucci glares, so it's all fine. The "Race" begins when Ranveer asks old friend RD (Anil Kapoor) and his arm-candy Cherry (Amisha Patel) to help him con Armaan because he wants revenge for the death of his woman.
And then come the unnecessary twists. Elena has a one-night stand with Ranveer (reason not explained). Ranveer gladly obliges in the name of revenge (convenient). Omisha promises to side with Ranveer but sides with Armaan instead. Armaan knows Ranveer's plans but pretends he doesn't know. Ranveer knows Armaan knows his plans but pretends he doesn't know that Armaan knows. Armaan tries blowing up Ranveer's car with, ahem, a speed-sensor bomb (which indeed, Ranveer detaches from the speeding car and it still doesn't blow up in his divine hands). Elena tells Ranveer that bomb was to blow her up and not Ranveer, because actually Armaan wants to kill his half-sister as well. Elena sides with Ranveer, then sides with Armaan again. < Also, insert one random wrestling bout and ten thousand cheap jokes on fruits between RD and Cherry >. By the time the climax is unfolding, you are left with only one question: WHAT PLANE HAS SUCH SHITTY WINDOWS THAT SHATTER WHEN A SEAT BAR HITS THEM?
The good news is the movie finally ended. The bad news is the closing line hinted at yet another possible sequel. I just hope it doesn't make it to the 100-crore club. It could shatter the dreams of a million hopeful storytellers in the country.

Table Number Wobbly

Table No. 21

Cast: Rajeev Khandelwal, Tena Desae, Paresh Rawal, and a man who just won't speak
Direction: Aditya Datt

A financially distressed couple wins a jackpot holiday to Fiji, they get so excited with all the unexpected luxury that they lose their minds and find themselves in trouble when a resort owner invites them to play the randomest game ever on the face of the earth and they find nothing odd in it.
The nice part about this movie is that it doesn't stretch into the third hour. The sad part is that it is a movie in the first place.
Vivaan (Rajeev Khandelwal) and Siya (Tena Desae) are holidaying pretty in Fiji when they learn of a surprise lunch at an exotic resort as part of their package. The resort's owner Khan (poor Paresh Rawal) invites them to play a game that will go live on his website that is apparently very popular and keeps getting a million hits just like that. And because our lead actors are so smart, they just don't think it important to consider shady secrets of the game - what's the name of the website? Where do you get that crazy amount of money to hand over to your winners? WHAT'S YOUR REAL PROFESSION, BOSS? Because hey, there is an insane number of crores to be won. In a game that has no sponsors, only the resort owner, his mute assistant, and a handful of resort staff. Also, Khan has a very weird hairstyle; some sort of snake on his head. Mental side-effects of hosting such a crazy game, maybe.
What starts as a fun game turns into living hell when our innocent participants realize post intermission that their host is some sort of lunatic, because that was totally not evident to us already. Eight childish Roadiesesque tasks and countless cheap imitations of The Hunger Games later, we also get a social message in the end that has us in tears - because we can't stand the film any more.
Boring and sloppy, this film doesn't even have performances to boast of. Rajeev Khandelwal looks bored. Tena Desae looks as fresh as she did in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel and that's the best compliment one can give her. As for Paresh Rawal, as an ardent fan I can only say, "Oh My God!"