Tees Maar Khan

Film: Tees Maar Khan

Cast: Akshay Kumar, Akshaye Khanna, Katrina Kaif

Direction: Fara Khan

Rating: 3.5/5

At the outset, it is important to note that Farah Khan's films do not cater to the patrons of thought-provoking, or even moderately sensible, cinema. They never have, and they never will. So if a storyless, mindless spoof on the cliches of Hindi cinema is up your alley, then so is Tees Maar Khan.

Tabrez Mirza Khan (Akshay Kumar) is a con artist internationally infamous for many a heist. At the behest of a tackily funny Siamese twin couple, the Johari brothers (played by Raghu and Rajiv), he decides to pull off a train loot in a village called Dhulia by posing as a filmmaker on the Great Indian Revolution. He poses as Manoj Day Ramalan, the fairer brother of the critically acclaimed Hollywood director, and ropes in the Oscar-hungry Atish Kapoor (Akshaye Khanna) to play the lead in this con work of a film shoot. The rest of the story is as bizarre as it can get, but funny nonetheless, in very typical Farah Khan fashion.

Critics have ripped this film apart, and so has a good section of the audience that tom-toms around about their inclination towards intellectual cinema. But then, Farah Khan makes no bones about the fact that she caters to the genre of spoofs - nothing brighter. Take it or leave it.

And she does just that - look out for the very witty, very corny digs at Harman Baweja, Anil Kapoor and the subtle reference to SRK's bony six pack story. Tees Maar Khan is what brings Akshay Kumar back to what he is best at - slapstick humour. Akshaye Khanna manages to make you laugh after all, with his urge to ham in everything he does before the camera. And Katrina, well, the Sheila song had long since conveyed what she was meant to do in the film.

And yes, those who scoff at the fact that the film is a mere spoof through its entire length, pray tell me what was Scary Movie, a Hollywood film that we all claim to be outstandingly hilarious, all about?

Kaalo - the parody begins!

Film: Kaalo

Cast: Aditya Srivastav, Paintal, Swini Khara

Direction: Wilson Louis

Rating: NOT APPLICABLE

Once upon a time there was RGV Ki Aag. And now there is Kaalo.

Kaalo is the story (if you may call it so) of a black, spittle-spewing witch - or maybe a crow (you prefer) who has been winging across Rajasthan's deserts since the time you bother to notice anything at all in the film. This Kaalo thing is apparently out to get a little girl Shona who is aboard a bus, and will kill anything and anyone that comes in her way. Kaalo does not know why. Neither does Shona. And neither does the story writer.

All we know is Shona is one among a bunch of very bad actors on a bus called 'Kismat' (yes, that cheesy) that gets a flat tyre in a desert. A certain Panditji on the bus (Paintal) smells imminent disaster and advises everyone not to get off the bus. Needless to say, each and everyone gets off, and then starts getting bumped off by blood-thirsty Kaalo. These buffoons include Aditya Lakhia whose only dialogue in the film is 'Maa ki Aankh', Aditya Srivastav who looks like there is a kohl mine hidden in his eyes, a photographer from Hollywood (ahem!) and one loony who always sees two of himself which he thinks is because he is under the effect of chillum - little does he know we are more jaded than he is and it is all because of this fillum.

Let's cut to the end of the story which occurs ninety painful minutes later. After Kaalo has flung every mortal present in the desert out of orbit, our hero Aditya Srivastav pulls out two chopstick-like objects from nowhere and sticks them into Kaalo's eyes. Kaalo freaks out, some fire erupts from within her gut, and she gets caved inside the earth. There, that simple.

The only thing spoken with conviction in this bizarre film is 'Maa ki Aankh'. Ultimately, we realize that's what the film was anyway all about - 'Maa Ki Aankh'.

No Problem? A pathetic irony

Film: No Problem

Cast: Anil Kapoor, Sanjay Dutt, Akshaye Khanna, Paresh Rawal, Kangna Ranaut, Sushmita Sen

Direction: Anees Bazmee

Rating: 1/5

What can you possibly say about a film that has a long-haired Shakti Kapoor playing the police commissioner of a South African city? What do you think of a police inspector who gets ticklish every few seconds because two bullets permanently lodged in his stomach keep flirting with his nerves? Or a sidekick who sends out electric pulses with the touch of his hand? What do you think of an overweight, shrewish wife who gets fits of a compulsive desire to bump off her husband thrice a day? Of all things, 'No Problem' is definitely not a plausible answer.

Yash and Raj Ambani (Sanjay Dutt and Akshaye Khanna) [a pathetic effort at taking a dig at the surname] are two hoodlums who rob a certain Zhandu Lal (Paresh Rawal), who apparently owns a village in South Africa where even native South Africans speak Hindi. For no explained reason, Zhandu Lal joins these thieves in Durban as they hitch a plan to return the former's money. Senior Inspector (if you please) Arjun (Anil Kapoor) is a bungling cop ala Tinkle's Shikari Shambhu who keeps getting beaten up by his wife Kajal (Sushmita Sen) when he is not busying himself chasing the Ambani brothers. Somewhere in the corner of the story, a smuggler Marcos (Suniel Shetty) accompanied by a very garishly dressed Neetu Chandra is trying his very best to look cool - an effort as successful as Ravindra Jadeja trying to hook Dale Steyn for a six. And yes, there 'eez' Kangna Ranaut in the film too - but never mind 'thet' - you are 'femished' by the time you begin to 'fethom' what role she plays in the film.

Every element of stupidity in a film can be tolerated. But making a mockery of the thousands of lives lost in the Middle East to terrorism through crass and unfunny one-liners is not only unacceptable but also highly disgraceful.

Has anyone shown the makers of Mission Impossible-4 a screening of this mockery of cinema? I will be keen to know what they think of their much raved about actor cozying up to someone who looks very evidently transsexual, replicating a cheap joke that was not even funny in the 90s.

Even toilet humour has a certain class. A film that has a gorilla shoving a fart up a man's face just does not qualify.

The Perfect Chord

Film: Band Baaja Baraat
Cast: Anushka Sharma, Ranveer Singh
Direction: Maneesh Sharma
Rating: 4/5

Finally, we are offered a love story sans pretentions and pink teddy bears.
Band Baaja Baraat is a crisp romantic comedy about a sprightly girl, Shruti Kakkar (Anushka Sharma) who teams up with a rustic wastrel called Bittoo Sharma (Ranveer Singh) to launch a business of wedding planning in the heart of North Delhi. A venture that begins on a strictly professional note takes a love-lorn turn midway; emotions are born, diffused and reborn; the business goes awry en route; and love triumphs over uncertainty - as it always does.
A good part of this story might sound familiar. The second half, in fact, is a convenient mash of Dil To Pagal Hai, Hum Tum, and believe it or not - I Hate Luv Storys too. But the beauty of the film lies purely in the totally awesome performances by the two leads, and in the attention paid to minute Delhi details such as - Chowmein udana, eating biskoots, and conducting bijjnis. The director has been careful to etch all the characters through the film with much love and detail, including the lesser-shown rock guitarist in the film who looks dismally at a Punjabi wedding scene and goes in typical fashion: "no dude, not my scene!"
Ranveer Singh is more than just commendable as a debutant who brings out the bumpkin in him perfectly. You might get the feeling he tries a tad too hard in a few scenes, but no one is complaining. Anushka Sharma steals the show though: her performance is nearly flawless, and is as perfect in masking her grief on knowing her love has no future as she is when she does the tango to the Bali Barsi number. Salim-Sulaiman deliver a reasonably foot-tapping soundtrack once again, and extra marks to the Tarkeebein track.
This film is worth a watch, despite the predictably overstretched last half of the story.

Rakhta Charitra - 2

Film: Rakht Charitra - 2

Cast: Surya, Viveik Oberoi, Shatrughan Sinha

Direction: Ram Gopal Varma

Rating: 3/5

The second part of this film takes off with a thrilling sequence of a failed assassination attempt by Surya (Surya) on Pratap Ravi (Viveik Oberoi) as the latter's fleet of cars winds its way through the interiors of Andhra Pradesh. Investigations by DCP Mohan Prasad (Sudeep) reveal that Surya's family had fallen prey to a bomb blast triggered by Pratap's men in keeping with their boss' orders to eliminate his suspected enemies. A raging fire burns within Surya to get rid of Pratap, but he is forced to surrender himself to the police under pressure from DCP Mohan Prasad. This changes little of his intention, as he continues to pursue his blood-thirsty agenda from inside the prison with the support of a few sympathisers and his wife Bhawani, who in the meantime decides to contest the upcoming elections against Pratap Ravi. While a political plan to oust Pratap from his position develops, Surya embarks on a plan of his own, and is ready to go all out in the quest.

There is nothing wrong with the story. It's nearly as gripping as its prequel, and can boast of a very strong, emotive performance by Surya. However, I cannot help but ask RGV a few basic questions:

1) Isn't a 'slow motion' supposed to be a special effect, reserved for special scenes or moments? When did it become a silly tactic to increase the length of a movie?

2) Ever heard of such a thing as a precis or a recap? It means putting in a nutshell an entire story. You did not need to put us through thirty minutes of Rakht Charitra, complete with dialogues and emotions we had already witnessed.

3) Next time, please use a voiceover that doesn't sound like it is gagged or something.

4) Next time, please ask your cameraman not to sit on a ferris wheel while filming your scenes. We know your camerawork is usually special, but we do not need the '360 degree revolution'. It only causes a headache.

This Game Falls Flat!

Film: Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Sey

Cast: Abhishek Bachchan, Deepika Padukone, Sikandar Kher, Vishakha Singh, and a bunch of very bad English actors

Direction: Ashutosh Gowariker

Rating: 3/5

Bad news. The length of this movie title is hardly an indication of how excruciatingly long this movie actually is. Admittedly a well-researched subject of the little known Chittagong uprising in East India during the early 1930s, Khelein Hum Jee Jaan Sey translates into a film that begins on a fine note but simply cannot figure out where it must culminate.

A group of spirited revolutionaries led by Surjya Sen (Abhishek Bachchan), which comprises largely of young teenagers, come together to rise in rebellion against the atrocious ways of the British empire. They hatch a plan to attack various strategic posts of the regiment over one particular night in order to make a much needed statement of their desire for freedom. Unfortunately, their plan is foiled and over the months that follow, the gang is hunted down, and faces a climax that is not hard to predict.

The film has several high points, but one that stands out evidently is the revelation of Vishakha Singh as Comrade Pritilata, who plays her part as a dedicated revolutionary with much ease and restraint. Deepika Padukone is nearly as noteworthy in her portrayal of Kolpana Dutta, but she almost loses presence in the second half of the film. One of the biggest strengths of the film is its ample research and analysis on how a poorly executed strategy can crumble in the face of unprecedented crisis. Undoubtedly, the story of this uprising deserves leaf-space in books on guerilla strategy.

A pity, though, that Abhishek Bachchan still can't get rid of the frown he learnt to sport in Sarkar. You need to watch him to believe it - but he maintains one, just one, expression through the length of this epic film - a light frown and a twitch of the lips. Needless to say, it gets endlessly annoying. Despite playing second fiddle, Sikandar Kher at least brings some life into his character of Nirmol Sen, Surjya's trusted aide.

The performances by the children are strictly sub-ordinary. There are scenes where every gesture looks clearly rehearsed and yet uncomfortable - such as the classroom discussions early on, the manner in which the young boys approach Surjya Sen, and so on. The screenplay is amateurish, where you have mechanical occurrences that lead up to the ultimate formation of the group of rebels. But the most painful part of the film is that it labours over very repetitive sequences of cross-firing and British officers hamming away to glory in the cantonment through very poorly delivered expressions. Towards the end of the film, even the actors look terribly bored. (Abhishek Bachchan looks bored right from the outset).

It will be unfair to benchmark Gowariker's films against a classic like Lagaan. But hereon, he might want to consider benchmarking them against a Swades, for starters.

Phas Gaye Re Obama

Film: Phas Gaye Re Obama

Cast: Rajat Kapoor, Sanjay Mishra, Manu Rishi, Neha Dhupia, Amol Gupte

Direction: Subhash Kapoor

Rating: 3.5/5

Wow! After Do Dooni Chaar, yet another small budget film packs a large punch. Phas Gaye Re Obama is a beautifully crafted comedy that dwells on the otherwise grave subject of economic recession.

Om Shastri (Rajat Kapoor) is a downturn-struck businessman who visits India to arrange for some money in order that he can prevent his house back in the States from being usurped by the bank. As fate would have it, he gets kidnapped instead by a bunch of insignificant hoodlums who are equally affected by the global turmoil and are beginning to fear a loss of respect amidst the underworld community. A chain of comical circumstances arises when the gang realizes the man they kidnapped in search for some quick money, was in fact on the verge of bankruptcy himself. A hilarious drama ensues as various gangs try to con each other over the apparently prized possession in the form of a broke bloke.

Cheeky dialogue and rather admirable performances come together to offer you a film that doesn't need to try too hard to tickle the funny bone. If it weren't for the lack of conviction that still rings loud and clear in Neha Dhupia's performances, this film was meant to score a perfect five.